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The Harvard-Westlake Rice Purity Test

By Georgia Goldberg
Directions: Check off each item you've done.
Caution! This is not a bucket list. Completion of all items on this test will likely result in death.
By Georgia Goldberg
Directions: Check off each item you've done.
Caution! This is not a bucket list. Completion of all items on this test will likely result in death.
Have you ever...
Sweat uncontrollably through your clothes at Convocation?
Cried in the math office?
Complained about an A- on a test?
Suddenly fallen ill right before a test?
Accidentally called your teacher 'mom' or 'dad'?
Slept three or fewer hours on a school night?
Subsequently bragged about your lack of sleep the next day?
Spent an entire no-homework weekend doing homework?
Desperately tried to get points back on a test?
Been featured on @overheardhw?
Been "exposed" on @wokeathw?
Hit someone else's car in the parking lot?
Started wheezing walking up the stairs to the third floor of Seaver?
Failed to scan your ID in the cafeteria so many times that Pairot had to take your phone and do it himself?
Found old food in your backpack?
Eaten it?
Cut the entire cafeteria line?
Been annoyed by someone from another school complaining about work?
Committed election fraud in a prefect or head fanatic election?
Completely forgotten about voting for prefect or head fanatic?
Used a locker that isn't yours?
Ditched a grade level meeting?
Replied all to an all-school email?
Been told by your teacher you should drop their class?
Given unauthorized aid?
Received unauthorized aid?
Been Honor-Boarded?
Written an article about the Honor Board and thus made yourself an enemy of Prefect Council?
Bragged about famous alumni?
Vouched for the River Park?
Protested for the River Park?
Begged your parents to let you skip retreat?
Been told by your dean to start therapy?
Been told by a teacher to start therapy?
Been told by a school counselor to go to a mental hospital?
Tripped in front of people on the quad?
Fallen asleep in class?
Complained about Zoom school?
Complained about in-person school?
Sparknotesed instead of reading an entire book?
Used ChatGPT to do your homework?
Made and paid for a Chegg account?
Had a teacher confuse you with another student?
Been passive-aggressively dress-coded?
Been yelled at for not showing your green screen to the security guards in the morning?
Left campus during school when you weren't a senior?
Taken Sports Science, HWTV or Drumline instead of actual PE?
Overheard someone brag about their SAT or ACT score?
Gone an entire month without meeting with a teacher?
Gone an entire year without meeting with a teacher?
Been called the wrong name by Mr. Klein?
Taken a class alongside student Mr. Chien?
Been told by Mr. Chien not to mention his name in your satire articles?
Had a "deep" conversation with Dr. V on the quad?
Been startled by Mr. Axelrod's ringtone?
Witnessed Mr. Yaron bleeding out of his head?
Walked into the history office to find the teachers aggressively debating a political issue?
Spread rumors about teachers' romantic entanglements?
Made up an excuse to switch out of a teacher's class because of a single negative comment about them from an upperclassman?
Stalked a teacher on social media?
Made a college spreadsheet?
Joined a club email list and never showed up?
Attended a club just for the snacks?
Been extremely uncomfortable during Peer Support silence?
Been pressured to try something from the hydroponic towers by an Environmental Club member?
Swam in the lower campus swamp?
Been invited to someone's second house?
Been asked if your jewelry is real?
Come to school with a new haircut and no one noticed?
Gotten Ricky C?
Ran the milk mile?
Had a celebrity run-in at Erewhon or Joan's?
Made someone feel bad about not getting into college yet?
Made me, specifically, feel bad about not getting into college yet?
Pretended to need help on homework to “befriend” that certain someone in class?
Made awkward eye contact with a hot upperclassman?
Been that hot upperclassman?
Made everyone on the quad uncomfortable with your PDA?
Vandalized something at school?
Arrived to school intoxicated?
Arrived to Homecoming intoxicated?
Danced with someone at Homecoming without leaving room for Jesus?
Saw someone from school on a dating app?
Smoked in the school bathroom?
Smoked in a classroom?
Bought drugs at school?
Sold drugs at school?
Sold someone fake drugs at school?
Hooked up with someone on campus?
Hooked up with someone in the parking lot?
Hooked up in the chapel?
Hooked up with a sophomore, junior, and senior?
Received a dildo in Peer Support Secret Santa?
Crashed a Brew Tang party?
Compared the school to prison?
Gazed romantically into your teacher's eyes?
Miserably pursued excellence?
Been harassed by a Chronicle staffer for a quote?
Said something along the lines of, "Ew Chronicle"?
Been censored by Chronicle editors telling you take a question (which was really funny by the way) out of the Rice Purity Test you made just 30 minutes before it came out, so you added in this question to account for the one you had to take out but didn't check with the editors first so you just have to pray that they won't get made at you?
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